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Yes. Peace must be made. What other choice. But still...when I read that you left the notebook on the subway I felt nauseous. Those word counts are so talismanic.

It's hard not to wonder if it was time to have that record wiped clean, if some hand of the universe slipped the notebook away from you for your own good. It's hard not to wish I believed in that. I don't but I am glad we have the reasoning powers to think our way to the upside of such a loss.

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Oh my gosh, I have killed myself multiple times over things that I've lost/left behind, but they've never been precious work like your writing.

The most harrowing "near death" experience I've had like this was in 1989. I had taken someone to the airport to see them off, and of course had my 3 year old daughter with me. This also meant that I had a bag with all her stuff in it, too, as well as my purse, because we were going to be there for a bit before my friend had to board, And my daughter had her Cabbage Patch newborn baby that she'd gone nowhere without since she'd gotten it for Christmas at 6 months old. We were in the car most of the way home when I heard a wail from the back seat--Janie, her beloved doll, had been left at the airport. I wanted to throw up.

I found a place to turn around, and headed back, trying to calm my daughter down but at the same time telling her the truth--the airport is a very busy place, there are lots and lots of people, and one of them may have picked up Janie. We might get her back! But also, we might not.

I wouldn't be telling you this if it didn't have a happy ending, would I? My daughter's doll (and the little blanket my mom had crocheted for her) were still right where she'd left her, in the seat next to where we'd been sitting. I cried, and promised to do better at watching out for her.

She still has that beat up doll, and she's 38 now :)

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